We are not here to agree but to be and help others be. Just be. Just sit around with each other and let our selves be. Talk, laugh, cry if you wish. It is all good as long as we don’t become criminal to each other.
If we sit together long enough we will end up loving each other as is already happening between us. We have shared enough to miss each other when we don’t. That is already beautiful!
119. Elena - April 8, 2010 [Edit]“Before I was banned I was still so emotionally shocked by the cult experience that people who did not agree and support me in everything I said were perceived as people who did not love me and my self-esteem was so low that I turned very aggressive towards them.”
This is worth exploring because after saying it I realized that there is a process in there in which when people are so vulnerable, so hurt, they cannot take rejection and THAT is what makes us so aggressive. The thought came that killers, sexual killers in particular, do not kill the people they’ve abused because they hate them, they kill them because they can’t bear having them look at them. They kill them so that they don’t see them. They can’t bear themselves and killing the other person is a way of ignoring how they acted towards that person. “Leaving no witnesses we can pretend it didn’t happen!” They are simply dealing with their own shame.
Anyone who is abusive enough long enough will tend to eliminate the abused. That is why gurus in cults end up “inviting” their followers to commit suicide. Leaving no witnesses and having sacrificed their own self with them, gives them the hope that humanity will judge them less harshly and will “understand” them. This does not mean that “humanity” should not understand them, beyond their “madness” is the tragedy of human weakness and strength. Cults prove that human beings have no difficulty in sacrificing themselves, in letting go, in surrendering, in “being”. Suicide is a double sword experience. One in which people state that they are willing to sacrifice themselves and one in which they are willing to fully realize their self. What they are longing for is not death but the end of suffering. Death not only means death but no suffering, no desire, no thought, no effort: unity. That is what the suicide is longing for and cannot reach through such mean but if they are lucky enough to survive, as I did, life pulsates in them with the same power that the killer inside of them pulsates and THAT is new. That pulsating LIFE was not there before but shines brightly after and if they can be protected long enough to recover themselves and control the side of themselves that wishes to eliminate them, they will have a certainty about life that doesn’t shine as brightly in other people who never had it “turned off” and who have had the good luck and the beauty to shine it throughout their lives. It is not exactly a side of them that wishes to eliminate them, it’s a side of them that has GIVEN UP and in having GIVEN UP, it is very difficult for them to retract from that surrender. Once people reach that place, there is no turning back usually and the tendency to keep trying to realize their new AIM is repeated until they succeed. Something, someone inside of them is no longer willing to suffer defeat. THAT is why it is so important for them to find help: people who are seriously committed to life who can transmit that trust in their self and can help the other person recover it.
WOW, this is very interesting, very interesting because that is what happens to cult people: Once they’ve given up on themselves and their lives, once they’ve surrendered to the guru, it is very difficult to get them to retract, that is, take a step back and recover themselves. Actual suicide is just one small ritual ahead “crystallizing” the fact just like “marriage” is just a ritual crystallizing the reality of love between two people.
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