Poem- Of love alone

Sitting looking at pictures

Without faces

Your image in my heart

In the realm of poetry

Without words

Silence speaks

When two hearts

Become connected

There’s no space in between

The petals of my spirit

Come out to yours

In colours

Each word

A feeling petal

A colour of thoughts

I touch the rainbow

Of your smile

In the rain of your laughter

I dance in the puddles

Of your absence

A song of love

Of love

Alone

A song

Elena-Moon influence

157. Elena - November 1, 2009 [Edit]

Hi Crouching Tiger,

Your proposition that we recover what is to be recovered from the System seems like a worthy enterprise because that will shed light on how it was corrupted by Robert Burton and Girard Haven in the Fellowship Cult.

Why don’t we start with the Moon and honour the moon that has been up on this page since it began before it is changed? Honour it for being the seat of karma according to innumerable systems. The more we know about it the more we can free our selves from its conditionings.

As all of us might have understood at some point in our journey, in the Fellowship Cult, the “trilogy” of the work corresponded to Gurdjieff, Ouspensky and Rodney Collin. Why did Burton get rid of Rodney Collin as soon as he was able to? Because he wasn’t a Cult; because he aimed to make the System practical. Whether his dive into Catholicism was fatal is yet to be seen, perhaps he knew that he needed young cultures and went looking for them in the Andes.

In Celestial Influences we’ll find Collin clearly exposing what the moon represented in the Play. In the Fellowship Cult, the moon is reduced to being almost the source of evil, LUNATIC was anyone who opposed Robert and the Cult. Robert expanded on the moon with the same lavish content he expanded on the Lower Self, the Machine, the crocodile, the serpent. If we look at Collin’s interpretation he clearly states that the influence of the moon on man is what allows man to move by pulling him upward through the liquid within the body. The Moon’s gravitational pool on the Earth’s liquid is common knowledge but how it affects the human being is still poorly understood. In Celestial Influences, Collin exposes the theory that although the moon has great influence over the liquids in Earth and man, the circulation of the blood around the heart and body is independent from the Moon’s pull and connected to the Sun. In Huseman’s “Art of Healing”, we’ll find a revealing exposition of how the blood itself forms the heart and once the heart appears the blood no longer “floats” in the body but acquires direction. If we remember, we, Fellowship victims, even after all these years, how The King of Hearts was drilled in our lives, day and night to remind us how we had to behave like good little boys and girls to make the Arc, humanity’s dreamed culture, a reality, we might be able to realize that the parallel between what the blood does in the body and what Will would do in a person’s life are analogous: once a direction is established, “the path is straight and narrow” and if you happen to have joined a cult instead of a conscious school, then IT LEADS STRAIGHT TO HELL!!!

In addition, the effect of the moon on the human being according to Collin, happens primarily on the lymph System. The lymph doesn’t have a heart of its own and moves by movement of the body. If a person stays still for too long s/he will create stagnation and illness in the particular area or in the whole body. The need of the lymph for movement induces humans to movement and from there springs the innumerable little movements that most people unconsciously do all day. If you well remember, this was never explained in the Fellowship cult. Exercises were given to control movement but why or where they fitted in the scheme of things was never introduced. The exercises are successful. People reach amounts of control over their movement but instead of that making them trust their own self more deeply, it makes them more dependent on Burton because in not giving them the complete picture, instead of making effort for their own evolution, Fellowship members make effort for the imaginary human Arc that they’ll never see even in pictures. They allowed their WORK to be disconnected from themselves and their lives. WE made the greatest mistake anyone could have made in relation to the Fourth Way which was to allow the Cult to separate us from our lives.

According to Collin the moon influences everything that is in “inertia” in man. The body, the “evil human machine” that the body is condemned to become in the Fellowship cult is just that: a machine to use and abuse, rape and re-rape, one’s own as much as that of others because it is nothing but a mechanical device that can be thrown away as soon as one has ignited one’s higher centres just like Bobby Dear has! Or better still, use and abuse because once one has ignited Bobby Dear’s higher centres, IT can do anything it likes because CONSCIOUS BEINGS have acquired complete independence from its conditioning. THEY ARE FREE, My Bobby Dear and my Dear Mr. Haven, they fly in the clouds while the body can rape little boys and girls physically and in imagination and they do it with so much sheer freedom that when they actually have them in front of them, they can’t even see them. Hey boys, did Robert look into your eyes with love when he raped you? Or did he look “through” your body like Girard does? This is very important guys. The looking “through” the body showed how by then the capacity to be there had been lost and the mind was totally in imagination about what was being raped. The porn had taken reality over and the ability to actually be there had been completely lost. Anyone who looks at Mr. Haven and his “talk” knows that he talked completely mechanically for years, so much so that even Nick Sp. would make fun of him in public, it had become such common knowledge. This is not getting deviated. On the contrary, anyone who remembers clearly and who can look clearly at the facts still inside, will verify that these two men cannot act spontaneously. They HAVE to be in the “SETTING” because they are protecting their incapacity for spontaneity with the setting. The set up is very precise and if they are taken out of it they become impossibly negative which would give them away. Automatons like them are very vulnerable and that is why they must keep renewing the setting and the dogma indefinitely so that it WORKS. As long as they can keep members convinced that putting up the setting and passively listening to the dogma is WORK on themselves, Robert, Girard and the Cult will be safe.

Life within the Fellowship is successful as long as it can repeat and repeat itself through such inertia. Robert has placed the mechanism in place for it to run on the same track over and over again and as long as it isn’t disturbed it will continue to be under the influence of that inertia. It allows for no spontaneity, freedom, or chaos. The more “stable” it is, the more safe and deadly for the participants that are run through the inertia without ever having to activate their will, their “I” that constantly supplies the human being with LIFE, becoming socially and individually stagnant. That stagnation is degenerative. That is what can lead to suicide in the long run or other degenerative illnesses. By falling into idolatry and adapting their whole lives to Robert’s will in a completely closed lifeless circuit, members disenable their own I and leave the “machine” to be run by the guru. In allowing the separation from the will they have on their own functions and overall LIFE, they starve themselves from the SOURCE OF LIFE: THEIR OWN I.

It is not surprising that in such cults, people end up committing suicide.

poem-Love

168. Elena - November 2, 2009 [Edit]

You’d like me to write a book
But what book could I write
Without the fire of your breath
behind the screen?

Where could I find Inspiration
As rich as in the Public Square
Where you
And all
In you
Exist?

I here kneel at the feet of these letters
And vow at the face of this screen and
Honour language and speech
That brought you to the door
Of this soul
And led me to the window
Of your Spirit

I do not write stories.
We are the story that the words
Are writing

Ours is an open book
A book in process
A shared life
Written with electronic light
Directly on the sunlight
Of your eyes

It is with the fingertips of my hands that
I stretch out and touch your soul and
With the wholeness of my heart that
I Receive yours

It is my blood what I’ve spilt
In these electronic bits of
Cybernetic messages
My red thick blood
Spilled over these broken words that
reach out to all
In you
Humanizing Us
With deep and infinite
Joy.

Love was not bound to the books.
It lives in the blood of each man and woman
In each old man and woman
child and youth

It lives in the Public Square
Of every city
Throbs in the heart
Of each soul
Runs in the veins of each word
With which my soul is in harmony
With yours

Love lives in the freedom of the Public Square
In the child that runs
For the balloon,
In the dog without a leash
In the bicycle that turns the man
around our Earth

It lives in the tenderness
With which every mother
holds her child at least once
And each lover speaks
To his charm

Love lives in every hand
And all the feet
In the groin of men and women
In the throat of every speech

It lives in you and me.

And in the tree
And in the shade of the tree
And in the bench under the tree
Where you sit

Love lives in eternity
Or should I say
Eternity lives in thee
And thee in me

Poems-Less human?

170. Elena - November 3, 2009 [Edit]

And love
And heal
And be

Write
Listen
And speak

And
Share

Reply

171. Elena - November 3, 2009 [Edit]

If I am ill
If I miss an arm
if cancer has invaded me
or gangrene
Am I any less human?

If I’m poor
And sleep in the streets
If I’ve no title
If I am black, from the South and free
Am I any less human?

If I have wheels for legs
And hooks for arms
If my pirate eye was gained
Through painful struggle with me
Am I any less human?

If my mother threw me out and
My father too
And my brother and sister still stood
Am I any less human!

If I laid with man and woman
And cried for both
Am I any less human!

If I’m a child
Am I any less human
If I am a housewife
Am I any less human
If I’m a farmer
A crepe maker in the streets
Am I any less human

If I am your daughter
your student
your employee
your citizen
Colombian
South American
Am I any less human?

If I’m your Father or your mother
your teacher
Or your boss
your president
American, European, Russian or Chinese
Muslim, Christian, Protestant or Buddhist
Am I more human?

Elena-Dragon-Nigel

172. nige - November 3, 2009 [Edit]

Elena

I love your energy recently. Just like one of those toy balloons you blow up and let exhaust its inner air all over the room. Funny analogy, I know, but I think you will see what I mean. You have written on so many things of import then settled yourself in poetry of simplicity and strength.

I have to admit I was a little distressed when you mentioned suicide quite a few times, but I believe you were, again, trying to understand it and what drives people to that desperate act. Torture of the self, I think, myself.

And then – one of the most evocative words in the English language – spiritual. The spirit is, to me, the masculine aspiring component of our inner nature, yet touches physical, both ours and others’ and the worlds’. It is supported by the cradling soul (both spirit and soul are innate and ours from inception), which is feminine, and nurtures.

Please keep writing in your inimicable way…..Nigel.

Reply

173. Elena - November 4, 2009 [Edit]

Aah Nigel,

Your voice is also so much more faithful to you. Isn’t it wonderful that we are actually being able to talk! I suppose it’s not all that surprising. So many people meet on the internet then marry and live together for the rest of their lives that it’s not like we’re discovering anything but it is for me. And what has most helped is that we are becoming true friends without having ever even seen each other.

The poetry feels good but it is not suitable to talk about the Fellowship. The Fellowship subject is alright in the terms it is spoken with. Angry and bitter, sick and throwing up. I wouldn’t like to change a single hair of that. They correspond to each other. But it’ll be good to get to speak about it without the huge emotional charge.

Yes, I had a few very rough days and the possibility of suicide was there but the outcome is every bit worth the process. I am seriously beginning to heal, to be “normal” again! One of the cards that had been most damaged in me was the jack of hearts. It’s a wonderful function that allows us to connect gently and loosely with each other and in the coldness of the Fellowship it had crystallized with black tar. It was already much damaged when I went to live in the boarding school when I was ten years old after my mother’s death and the “distance” from others was deepened by the language while I learnt to speak English but it wasn’t too far off when I was a teenager. Although smoking pot tended to have a similar distancing, paranoic effect. Always some distance but never as strong as in the cult, as if the resistance to the conditioning had deepened the separation to a pretty pathological condition. It’s beginning to wear off and the natural flow of interaction with people is beginning to take place again. For years, even saying hello was difficult and in the Fellowship this very formal “modes” took over which I am only just beginning to drop.

The more I look at the world the more grateful I am to the System. All the “Systems” that I’ve come across. No matter how much damage the Fellowship deepened, the few areas in which there was work were strong enough to get me out and slowly recover. There is very little that can’t be translated into practical experience and allow us to profit from it in this world outside which is as confused in so many ways as it was inside. The study of each function and its maladies as much as its talents will reveal a great deal that will help healing.

It is so liberating to be able to expose one’s life without fear or shame. I am slowly coming to that. There’s been so much shame that disappearing was just an inch away but it has suddenly turned around. The whole wheel has shifted and began turning the other way just when it looked like there was no way out. You’ve certainly helped with your capacity to know that I needed a big strong hand. It shocks me that mostly you could see it so clearly but why would it be surprising since you’ve been there? Why would we expect others to perceive the need to hold such darkness with love? I’ve stopped oscillating up and down emotionally. It’s a bit too soon to call it success but it feels so “even”. Of course, they gave me ferrum siderum just three days ago when I told the doctor I was about to jump out the window but other things have happened that make me think it is not just the ferrum siderum that’s made the magic.

The major difference is that I was able to shed most of the pain and shame that came from my mother who had solidified inside into a dead, dead piece of blackness. I’ve been wanting and needing to do that for a lifetime and it has finally happened to a good extent. It has almost cost me the friendship of the person that “lent” herself to the “incarnation of the imagination” but I hope it will survive. With her too I couldn’t be more grateful. It is as if you Nigel and her, where playing adopted parents and re-establishing the “archetype” that I had completely lost. Isn’t it an interesting coincidence that I was just talking about how the jack of hearts was shunned after my mothers death and I was already “separate” from others at school in England and the Symptom that is appearing clearly is that it is getting activated again? This is why I love writing: because it allows us to look out here what is happening both inside and outside and the connection between them. Another reason I enjoy writing is that I’m as good a case as any other and the more faithfully we can expose our selves, the easier it’ll be for others to not be ashamed of themselves and in the future, to study how and why we became so sick in our times and what needs to be avoided. And then because no matter how sick I am, I am every bit human and know it and that stands above everything else.

What is particularly GREAT about all this is that it coincides with my theory that if we can form a community for each other even if it is just a community of three, we can help each other heal. We are each strong in different areas and when there is enough human solidarity it works just like when there isn’t enough of it, there can be two thousand people like in the Fellowship and it’ll act destructively on each and every one of the participants.

There is nothing “sentimental” about your “parenting” me. You’ve played those roles for something that was extremely hurt inside and we are now much closer to a “maturity” in our relationship than we’ve been before. I thank you both.

To those silent readers that have witnessed the processes that have taken place here, I thank you for being there. Even your silence is presence and I feel ENORMOUS support in your dedication to look in. Why you do it I don’t know but something has to be connected between us to do so and it gives me hope! I hope to play a GREAT EAR one day and listen to others with as much dedication as you seem to listen to us.

Reply

174. nige - November 4, 2009 [Edit]

Dear Elena

I do not know whether you are wonderful because you are difficult or difficult because you are wonderful. Remember when we ’smashed into each other’ on the Discussion Blog all those pages ago? Flying features – the whole shit-load. But I do not know anyone who has been so willing to ‘get to grips’ with things – the Fellowship problem, modern day’s complexities and insanity and HERSELF. All those things make for a very interesting human being. If there is one thing I have come across in my ‘learning curve’ as a teacher, it is that one has to be not just a provider of information and theory, but a psychologist and a lover of the human condition. And teaching should be an enriching privilege and not just a ‘trotting out’ of ‘trite inanities’. Buddha said – “The path to illumination is basically a human one.” I believe, if you are truly willing to get to grips with yourself and the way you play your hand in the rich tapestry of life, you will go very far, in oh! so many ways.

This is maybe touching on a personal ‘overlap difficulty’, but C—–a emailed me with some fierce ‘advice’ about how she had been hurt by you. Her little diatribe on the GF site, encircling just about everything that would make her look good in the eyes of just about everybody and then disappearing again into her professional role as an educationalist, I would suppose, was so easy to see through that I defended myself against her in about one of the most stern ways I have done in my life. I really do not go with pretence anymore. I am not the naieve little Solar with not enough money to throw at the FOF or the inability to get into a FOF relationship. Both C—–a and you tried to ‘deal’ with G—-d for whatever reasons you both had and you probably both were burned. Consciousness does not ‘rub off’ – “The soul comes from within, through embowered gates, ever provoking questions” (Walt Whitman) and if you cannive your way into the ‘inner circle’ of the FOF, by whatever means, you will only become an enabler or, at very least, a politician. Not enough people presently in the FOF are listening to this.

I love the richness that we share here and dearly hope that we will continue to be the most mutually nourishing best of friends…..Nigel.

Reply

175. dragon - November 4, 2009 [Edit]

“Both C—–a and you tried to ‘deal’ with G—-d for whatever reasons you both had and you probably both were burned. Consciousness does not ‘rub off’ – “The soul comes from within, through embowered gates, ever provoking questions” (Walt Whitman) and if you cannive your way into the ‘inner circle’ of the FOF, by whatever means, you will only become an enabler or, at very least, a politician. Not enough people presently in the FOF are listening to this.”

—————————

Elena,

you should make a fresh start and write! There are so many stories in your former FoF-life. It is time for you to act in that way.
Writing is also very healing and it is a way to learn to see out over the past from a distance.

Wounds may better heal in that process.
Another aspect is that the daily writing-discipline will help to digress from that topic.

Focuss on that, work together with your friends and go ahead!

Reply

176. dragon - November 4, 2009 [Edit]

Elena,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rg8xrdbnH8E

this is a link for you.

Georgian culture endured opression and suffering during the centuries but the soul of those remarkable human beings was able to survive with singing.

Every soul finds its way out of the darkness and yours may be writing.

Think it over and “Carpe Diem”.

Reply

177. Elena - November 4, 2009 [Edit]

Dragon,

I just wrote the following to Crouching Tiger before reading the Public Square this morning and some of it applies to your stimulus for me to write a book. I am writing with my friends in the Public Square which is a lot more alive than any publication that might put me in a recognition of sorts when I am not ready for the fame! Have you forgotten what love did to Robert Burton? For it was our love what he was unable to handle. Nothing is more difficult to transform than love. When one is not ready for it, it makes vanity shoot up like a serpent and allows one to fall into every abuse. Have you forgotten what happened in the fofblog? How I hurt people and my self? How I was unable to bring us to love which is the only thing that matters in every interchange? Have you forgotten the arrogance with which I ended up talking because I was supported by one or two? If that was only with one or two people can you imagine what could happen to me if I won a prize or money without being ready? I will try not make that mistake again, I am deeply regretful for having hurt us instead of helping us.

Without you and Nigel and Crouching Tiger and those silent readers that have held me after being banned I would most probably have been dead by now, or another useless and traumatized piece of human in the dark corners of my house. Ours is an open book, a living theater, a shared Life and like all life, the possibility of death is inherent to it: ours, yours and my own… but the Public Square will outlive us all: it throbs in the heart of every person.

There is still so much that we each can offer our selves here. And yet your “parenting” me is not a fixed job. I’m “growing up” enough that we can let each other free whenever we wish to and meet again in between the seasons!

We are not making this up, we are being made by it. When everything is ready, the book will push itself forward; it is writing itself on our lives.

I wish to rest for awhile, talk about plants and water, music and children, architecture and everything living and let the deathness of the Fellowship make its own compost. From there something might grow.

For you, with infinite love and gratitude,
Elena

Elena-Crouching Tiger Book

178. Elena - November 4, 2009 [Edit]

Hi Crouching Tiger,

I am not well enough to sit on my own and write. I need to write for you and others that are sitting with me. I am in great need of being with others after the loneliness of the Fellowship. Perhaps some day I’ll be able to meditate my self into a private work that will actually be the most public, the most human, but until then I cannot see myself writing a book. What I say in the poem is true: We are the story the words are writing and if we can allow ourselves to help and share in each other’s being, state and reality, something more powerful than a book can happen between us. If I had to look into a blank page without anybody there I would not be able to put my self in it.

The idea of writing a beautiful book about the Fellowship doesn’t appeal to me at this point. The wounds are still to sore to be able to transform the experience into something beautiful. I am so very glad that I’ve been able to throw it up and show the muck, the stench, the horror with which I am sick of it. In healing my self, I might one day come to transform it for all of us but that cannot happen today no matter how eager I am to accelerate the process.

It is very good to know that you find my writing worthy of such an enterprise. That alone is healing for I’ve first to recover the trust in myself to enter such a project. In the meantime, the closer we come to each other, the more humanly and realistically we can communicate with each other’s soul, the easier it’ll be to heal. It’s too bad that was not possible in the fofblog for all of us need to recover our trust on each other and cross the lack of love of the Fellowship.

I try not to give up on your interest all together and in my fluctuating state, tomorrow might be a different story but this is how it feels today and I can hardly play more than one day for a tune! You and I also need to meet more closely so that working together is a real working together, not just a business enterprise or even an altruistic enterprise. The aim is to live each minute and what might come from that is a consequence of that aim. If you and I penetrate each other’s soul with the deepness that a book would require, we could write many books. Share your self with me that I am eager to share mine with you. Every enterprise must be an enterprise of love and a book is, above all, a Work of Art and I am far from being the Artist that merits a publication. I am too ill to be published but not too ill to be human.

Allow me to share my thoughts about this in the Public Square for it feels to me that we are in a time in which we can move beyond the private and conquer the Public without shame or fear, no matter how wounded we might be. The Public Arena already places us in a different relationship to each other, introduces responsibilities that we tend to ignore in the privacy of our interchanges. Both are equally necessary and I am finding out what is truly appropriate to each as I make mistakes. I aim to come to a place where nothing about my life is private; where nothing is hidden; where nothing is shameful which doesn’t mean not having sex in the privacy of my abode or that the subject of sex does not need to be looked at with a public eye, as we’ve been doing with Robert’s, Girard’s and my life. Sex matters in social matters as powerfully as in the bedroom.

I leave you more strongly in our selves, a step closer to each other and deeply hopeful that we will one day accomplish to write a book together. If you kick me enough I might cross that fence and be worthy of sharing with you such an enterprise. I too will kick you enough that that might be possible! And hug each other with every kick for it is hugging what this world requires, like lovers who cry in each other’s arms after pushing each other’s being a little further.

Always with love,
Elena