Elena
I love your energy recently. Just like one of those toy balloons you blow up and let exhaust its inner air all over the room. Funny analogy, I know, but I think you will see what I mean. You have written on so many things of import then settled yourself in poetry of simplicity and strength.
I have to admit I was a little distressed when you mentioned suicide quite a few times, but I believe you were, again, trying to understand it and what drives people to that desperate act. Torture of the self, I think, myself.
And then – one of the most evocative words in the English language – spiritual. The spirit is, to me, the masculine aspiring component of our inner nature, yet touches physical, both ours and others’ and the worlds’. It is supported by the cradling soul (both spirit and soul are innate and ours from inception), which is feminine, and nurtures.
Please keep writing in your inimicable way…..Nigel.
173. Elena - November 4, 2009 [Edit]Aah Nigel,
Your voice is also so much more faithful to you. Isn’t it wonderful that we are actually being able to talk! I suppose it’s not all that surprising. So many people meet on the internet then marry and live together for the rest of their lives that it’s not like we’re discovering anything but it is for me. And what has most helped is that we are becoming true friends without having ever even seen each other.
The poetry feels good but it is not suitable to talk about the Fellowship. The Fellowship subject is alright in the terms it is spoken with. Angry and bitter, sick and throwing up. I wouldn’t like to change a single hair of that. They correspond to each other. But it’ll be good to get to speak about it without the huge emotional charge.
Yes, I had a few very rough days and the possibility of suicide was there but the outcome is every bit worth the process. I am seriously beginning to heal, to be “normal” again! One of the cards that had been most damaged in me was the jack of hearts. It’s a wonderful function that allows us to connect gently and loosely with each other and in the coldness of the Fellowship it had crystallized with black tar. It was already much damaged when I went to live in the boarding school when I was ten years old after my mother’s death and the “distance” from others was deepened by the language while I learnt to speak English but it wasn’t too far off when I was a teenager. Although smoking pot tended to have a similar distancing, paranoic effect. Always some distance but never as strong as in the cult, as if the resistance to the conditioning had deepened the separation to a pretty pathological condition. It’s beginning to wear off and the natural flow of interaction with people is beginning to take place again. For years, even saying hello was difficult and in the Fellowship this very formal “modes” took over which I am only just beginning to drop.
The more I look at the world the more grateful I am to the System. All the “Systems” that I’ve come across. No matter how much damage the Fellowship deepened, the few areas in which there was work were strong enough to get me out and slowly recover. There is very little that can’t be translated into practical experience and allow us to profit from it in this world outside which is as confused in so many ways as it was inside. The study of each function and its maladies as much as its talents will reveal a great deal that will help healing.
It is so liberating to be able to expose one’s life without fear or shame. I am slowly coming to that. There’s been so much shame that disappearing was just an inch away but it has suddenly turned around. The whole wheel has shifted and began turning the other way just when it looked like there was no way out. You’ve certainly helped with your capacity to know that I needed a big strong hand. It shocks me that mostly you could see it so clearly but why would it be surprising since you’ve been there? Why would we expect others to perceive the need to hold such darkness with love? I’ve stopped oscillating up and down emotionally. It’s a bit too soon to call it success but it feels so “even”. Of course, they gave me ferrum siderum just three days ago when I told the doctor I was about to jump out the window but other things have happened that make me think it is not just the ferrum siderum that’s made the magic.
The major difference is that I was able to shed most of the pain and shame that came from my mother who had solidified inside into a dead, dead piece of blackness. I’ve been wanting and needing to do that for a lifetime and it has finally happened to a good extent. It has almost cost me the friendship of the person that “lent” herself to the “incarnation of the imagination” but I hope it will survive. With her too I couldn’t be more grateful. It is as if you Nigel and her, where playing adopted parents and re-establishing the “archetype” that I had completely lost. Isn’t it an interesting coincidence that I was just talking about how the jack of hearts was shunned after my mothers death and I was already “separate” from others at school in England and the Symptom that is appearing clearly is that it is getting activated again? This is why I love writing: because it allows us to look out here what is happening both inside and outside and the connection between them. Another reason I enjoy writing is that I’m as good a case as any other and the more faithfully we can expose our selves, the easier it’ll be for others to not be ashamed of themselves and in the future, to study how and why we became so sick in our times and what needs to be avoided. And then because no matter how sick I am, I am every bit human and know it and that stands above everything else.
What is particularly GREAT about all this is that it coincides with my theory that if we can form a community for each other even if it is just a community of three, we can help each other heal. We are each strong in different areas and when there is enough human solidarity it works just like when there isn’t enough of it, there can be two thousand people like in the Fellowship and it’ll act destructively on each and every one of the participants.
There is nothing “sentimental” about your “parenting” me. You’ve played those roles for something that was extremely hurt inside and we are now much closer to a “maturity” in our relationship than we’ve been before. I thank you both.
To those silent readers that have witnessed the processes that have taken place here, I thank you for being there. Even your silence is presence and I feel ENORMOUS support in your dedication to look in. Why you do it I don’t know but something has to be connected between us to do so and it gives me hope! I hope to play a GREAT EAR one day and listen to others with as much dedication as you seem to listen to us.
174. nige - November 4, 2009 [Edit]Dear Elena
I do not know whether you are wonderful because you are difficult or difficult because you are wonderful. Remember when we ’smashed into each other’ on the Discussion Blog all those pages ago? Flying features – the whole shit-load. But I do not know anyone who has been so willing to ‘get to grips’ with things – the Fellowship problem, modern day’s complexities and insanity and HERSELF. All those things make for a very interesting human being. If there is one thing I have come across in my ‘learning curve’ as a teacher, it is that one has to be not just a provider of information and theory, but a psychologist and a lover of the human condition. And teaching should be an enriching privilege and not just a ‘trotting out’ of ‘trite inanities’. Buddha said – “The path to illumination is basically a human one.” I believe, if you are truly willing to get to grips with yourself and the way you play your hand in the rich tapestry of life, you will go very far, in oh! so many ways.
This is maybe touching on a personal ‘overlap difficulty’, but C—–a emailed me with some fierce ‘advice’ about how she had been hurt by you. Her little diatribe on the GF site, encircling just about everything that would make her look good in the eyes of just about everybody and then disappearing again into her professional role as an educationalist, I would suppose, was so easy to see through that I defended myself against her in about one of the most stern ways I have done in my life. I really do not go with pretence anymore. I am not the naieve little Solar with not enough money to throw at the FOF or the inability to get into a FOF relationship. Both C—–a and you tried to ‘deal’ with G—-d for whatever reasons you both had and you probably both were burned. Consciousness does not ‘rub off’ – “The soul comes from within, through embowered gates, ever provoking questions” (Walt Whitman) and if you cannive your way into the ‘inner circle’ of the FOF, by whatever means, you will only become an enabler or, at very least, a politician. Not enough people presently in the FOF are listening to this.
I love the richness that we share here and dearly hope that we will continue to be the most mutually nourishing best of friends…..Nigel.
175. dragon - November 4, 2009 [Edit]“Both C—–a and you tried to ‘deal’ with G—-d for whatever reasons you both had and you probably both were burned. Consciousness does not ‘rub off’ – “The soul comes from within, through embowered gates, ever provoking questions” (Walt Whitman) and if you cannive your way into the ‘inner circle’ of the FOF, by whatever means, you will only become an enabler or, at very least, a politician. Not enough people presently in the FOF are listening to this.”
—————————
Elena,
you should make a fresh start and write! There are so many stories in your former FoF-life. It is time for you to act in that way.
Writing is also very healing and it is a way to learn to see out over the past from a distance.
Writing is also very healing and it is a way to learn to see out over the past from a distance.
Wounds may better heal in that process.
Another aspect is that the daily writing-discipline will help to digress from that topic.
Another aspect is that the daily writing-discipline will help to digress from that topic.
Focuss on that, work together with your friends and go ahead!
176. dragon - November 4, 2009 [Edit]Elena,
this is a link for you.
Georgian culture endured opression and suffering during the centuries but the soul of those remarkable human beings was able to survive with singing.
Every soul finds its way out of the darkness and yours may be writing.
Think it over and “Carpe Diem”.
177. Elena - November 4, 2009 [Edit]Dragon,
I just wrote the following to Crouching Tiger before reading the Public Square this morning and some of it applies to your stimulus for me to write a book. I am writing with my friends in the Public Square which is a lot more alive than any publication that might put me in a recognition of sorts when I am not ready for the fame! Have you forgotten what love did to Robert Burton? For it was our love what he was unable to handle. Nothing is more difficult to transform than love. When one is not ready for it, it makes vanity shoot up like a serpent and allows one to fall into every abuse. Have you forgotten what happened in the fofblog? How I hurt people and my self? How I was unable to bring us to love which is the only thing that matters in every interchange? Have you forgotten the arrogance with which I ended up talking because I was supported by one or two? If that was only with one or two people can you imagine what could happen to me if I won a prize or money without being ready? I will try not make that mistake again, I am deeply regretful for having hurt us instead of helping us.
Without you and Nigel and Crouching Tiger and those silent readers that have held me after being banned I would most probably have been dead by now, or another useless and traumatized piece of human in the dark corners of my house. Ours is an open book, a living theater, a shared Life and like all life, the possibility of death is inherent to it: ours, yours and my own… but the Public Square will outlive us all: it throbs in the heart of every person.
There is still so much that we each can offer our selves here. And yet your “parenting” me is not a fixed job. I’m “growing up” enough that we can let each other free whenever we wish to and meet again in between the seasons!
We are not making this up, we are being made by it. When everything is ready, the book will push itself forward; it is writing itself on our lives.
I wish to rest for awhile, talk about plants and water, music and children, architecture and everything living and let the deathness of the Fellowship make its own compost. From there something might grow.
For you, with infinite love and gratitude,
Elena
Elena
No comments:
Post a Comment