Daily Cardiac,
It is very interesting that you, like me, keep asking people to address the reasoning you are presenting and not the person. We have both done that consistently. Assuming you are Girard, although I have doubts, I wonder if the many years we spent together rubbed some of that on me for I also lean on the very intellectual to relate to others. Looking at my experience on the blog I was DESPERATELY asking others to address the issues and not the subject and continue to feel that people just don’t care or don’t perceive the reasoning.
I sincerely find it wonderful that you continue to write. Behind our writing there is a struggle to communicate and the shell ends up breaking if we struggle enough. There is a parallel in that blah, blah, blah of yours and mine and no matter how far off you still are, the practice of trying to communicate is what is important.
You’re trying to justify it all but it is unjustifiable and you’ll come to see that sooner or later.
You’re trying to justify it all but it is unjustifiable and you’ll come to see that sooner or later.
Your idea that as long as the Fellowship is promoting presence makes it a School of Consciousness is absolutely unidirectional. You wish that to be so because that is what you and Robert, assuming you are Girard, have been practicing all along reducing your life and the life of every member into one single fundamentalist dogma: be present!
But be present to you means: be frozen in the moment without relating to the world outside and there is no presence in that. It also means: crystallize in the formatory apparatus, in the dogma and as long as nothing moves that status quo your world is safe while you fall apart for you are not only your formatory apparatus, my love (assuming of course that you are my husband, Mr. Girard Haven, no matter how many times we get divorced!) You are also a sexual being and when there is no coherence between your presence and your sexuality, there is no presence in you or Robert or the Fellowship cult that pretends to justify the emotional and intellectual manipulation of young boys to abuse them sexually as an act of consciousness. You are also a social being and that is not just writing on computers and giving discourses to people who cannot respond or dialogue with you beyond the dogma. There is nothing “social” about that. That is the “sociability” possible in a concentration camp in which you are the headmaster. Sociability is something totally different. It means swimming in each other’s being and letting our selves be impregnated by that water with all the clarity and the darkness that that implies, experiencing the suffering others are going through and sincerely helping them cope with it.
There is nothing of that in your posts. For you there is a sharp cut edge in which the Fellowship is not responsible for the member’s suffering. How could we ever expect you to feel the pain that you’ve caused others? How could you bear with it without having first forgiven your self? And forgiveness is in your vocabulary only if it is related to forgiving Robert’s abuses with the member’s lives: their bodies, their time; their minds: their freedom to think for themselves; their hearts: their freedom to love not just one man in a decadent cult; their homes and bodies and their freedom to dress and decorate as their essence dictates and not his.
THAT my love, is not presence. Presence lives in freedom; in the capacity we each have to spontaneously respond to the world with the whole of our being. Not in the programmed response of a dogmatic cult to a pretended uneventful world in which EVERYTHING is MADE UP and rehearsed over and over again while you and Bobby renew yourselves each day trying to find new justifications for that status quo.
My Dear Husband, life lives in the freedom of chaos in which laws above our own dictate the compass and in usurping the freedom of chaos, you and Bobby have decided to own the laws condemning the people that love you to a thoroughly conditioned make believe world: a cult.
You’ve done that only because you and Bobby proved unable to deal with the world in its own terms. Neither you nor him could establish a normal sexual relationship with men or women. You had to rape them using some kind of force beyond the natural: through the frozen plastic of a screen full of naked childlike women and not so childlike for the one and only time that I saw you watching porn, they were big, fat women with huge tits (remember? the first time I asked you to leave my house, just a day after you arrived?) and for Robert, through a whole organization of people justifying his inability to love one man and hold him as a precious reference to himself and not a calendar of young boys that he discarded as soon as they were too old too satisfy his ferocious anxiety to find the self he lost in his father’s abandonment. Isn’t it amazing how we are all under very simple paradigms no matter how free or complicated we pretend to be or make them?
We are all or at least a considerable portion of us, extremely disfunctional people in our times and neither you or Robert are more dysfunctional than those men that walk into porn films before noon and walk out to hire a cheap whore before six and were it not because in our own disfunctionality we were willing to trust you, you amassed the power to systematically hurt too many people in too many spheres of our lives.
I do not attack you or judge you for being a thoroughly dysfunctional piece of human, most of us are in pieces, but I will continue to fight your cult because you’ve institutionalized your “disfunctionality” as a sacred expression of life and THAT is dangerous to too many people.
I’ve come to love you and myself, my parents and myself, my friends and myself with all our disfunctionality alive and functioning but from there to allowing any one of us to abuse others in our unconsciousness without even being checked, is too long a stretch.
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