As time passes it is clearer to me what happened in the fofblog with my participation: we became identified with each other's limitations, conditionings, structures. We played roles that simply showed where we were at in our own process. The fact that people play out their own tragedy in the fofblog and cult, does not mean that the cult is not as pervasive as it is, in fact it simply means that the cult will harvest precisely on those tragedies using them against its carriers. We allow them and support them and every single fellowship member has done that over the years. That they continue to support them by not acting legally against such cults is simply the fact that they are truly not aware of how it is that they are as part and parcel of the whole phenomenon. They have not separated enough from it to put it under control. To assume responsibility for one's difficulties does not mean that one has to allow for such cults to continue functioning. What in our lives drives us to take different roles is in itself questionable. But being free of a role as an objective is something to aim for which doesn't mean becoming indifferent to the processes at play.
I am not sorry for my participation in the fofblog, I did the best I could. I am sorry that I was not strong enough to be calm about it and screamed it all out. When looked at the "play" everything was as it had to be. People should realize that the screaming is only the revelation of the state of the individual acting that out. Were the individual "well", screaming would be unnecessary but the scream is not a deterrent to the truth. Today I would not scream because I would be happier embracing but after seventeen years of cult life, I am not surprised that I couldn't embrace anyone and experienced myself incapable of being embraced. Not trusting anyone is a symptom of cult victims. I am glad its over.
I found the following statement by Ames Gilbert, an old fofblog acquaintance although he would probably call himself an enemy for he is certainly happy acting as one. I would not be surprised if he were talking about me here although he talks about a he. It's interesting Ames how you, who pretend to be such an illuminated, can discard someone's work with mockery simply because your behavior has once been questioned deeply. You feed hatred and pretend it to be illumination and that does not help you or anyone else. You say things in fear of the fact that there's enough value here that some day some people will see behind it and value it and see your banning me and mistreating me for what it was. I was no "lady" but you were no gentlemen either or have yet become. The fact that you mock the people you criticize reveals exactly your own weakness. You are not objective about the act, you fail to dialogue and resort to mockery attacking the individual's self rather than trying to forward understanding. It is an old politician's trick but less than a human act.
Allow me to congratulate you all for continuing to at least talk about the fellowship crimes and keeping the blog alive. Who would have thought that you would at least keep it alive when that was one of the things I was most struggling with? Dialogue? Perhaps one day you'll all be strong enough to act against the cult even if its just going out there and picketing the gates so that those inside remember that others have been hurt. Maybe you would need my company again to get out there? Or does public space continue to be too public for you to protest crime?
I write to you here because you've banned me unnecessarily. Our lives have become connected and it is a good thing: we struggle with each other particularly because you try to avoid what I have to say. Would I or others like I not matter to you, you would not mention us in your diatribes. It is a fortune that that is not the only venue for speech. You sound as though you'd be as happy as Robert keeping people from writing because you do not agree or bless their writings and in the end the fofblog has become as capable as Robert in doing the kinds of things he does to silence those out of his club. Each one of you matters to me a great deal. You were all important one way or another. I have not forgotten and I have no ill feelings about any one of you. I realize where and how I made all the mistakes I made but I forgive myself and you all for yours.
We are in a difficult situation as long as we are unable to hold each other dear and assume our tragedy. The fofcult is as much our tragedy as the fofblog and life itself is pretty tragic. The struggle is everywhere. One day you in the fofblog will perhaps accept my apologies for having screamed at you the truth as I understood it. It was not personal, I did not knowmost of you but it became personal for all of us. You never dealt with the truth, you banned me on other accounts, you were unwilling to dialogue. It is the saddest aspect of the whole play: that people are not enough even to dialogue. But I do not regret fighting. I fought you all out of love and continue to question you with it. That does not make me special, it makes me human but that is indeed, rare enough. Of course, your post could be talking about someone else, I know a few that could fit but knowing you I bet you're just preparing the soil for further attacks. Then when you feel your followers are ready, you'll give another blow. There are some great advantages to not having followers!
,
28. Ames Gilbert - October 12, 2011
I’ll add that some of these will go as far as creating websites where they pontificate almost daily about their specialness and how stupid the rest of us are, larding their arrogance heavily with appeals to carefully selected authorities. One in particular has, over many years, come to specialize in quoting from this very blog and has imaginary conversations with the participants, each one culminating in a final putdown that establishes his astounding grasp of the One True and only Possible Interpretation of the Fourth Way. Truly a master of self–awareness and insight (and unwitting source of amusement)!
I am not sorry for my participation in the fofblog, I did the best I could. I am sorry that I was not strong enough to be calm about it and screamed it all out. When looked at the "play" everything was as it had to be. People should realize that the screaming is only the revelation of the state of the individual acting that out. Were the individual "well", screaming would be unnecessary but the scream is not a deterrent to the truth. Today I would not scream because I would be happier embracing but after seventeen years of cult life, I am not surprised that I couldn't embrace anyone and experienced myself incapable of being embraced. Not trusting anyone is a symptom of cult victims. I am glad its over.
I found the following statement by Ames Gilbert, an old fofblog acquaintance although he would probably call himself an enemy for he is certainly happy acting as one. I would not be surprised if he were talking about me here although he talks about a he. It's interesting Ames how you, who pretend to be such an illuminated, can discard someone's work with mockery simply because your behavior has once been questioned deeply. You feed hatred and pretend it to be illumination and that does not help you or anyone else. You say things in fear of the fact that there's enough value here that some day some people will see behind it and value it and see your banning me and mistreating me for what it was. I was no "lady" but you were no gentlemen either or have yet become. The fact that you mock the people you criticize reveals exactly your own weakness. You are not objective about the act, you fail to dialogue and resort to mockery attacking the individual's self rather than trying to forward understanding. It is an old politician's trick but less than a human act.
Allow me to congratulate you all for continuing to at least talk about the fellowship crimes and keeping the blog alive. Who would have thought that you would at least keep it alive when that was one of the things I was most struggling with? Dialogue? Perhaps one day you'll all be strong enough to act against the cult even if its just going out there and picketing the gates so that those inside remember that others have been hurt. Maybe you would need my company again to get out there? Or does public space continue to be too public for you to protest crime?
I write to you here because you've banned me unnecessarily. Our lives have become connected and it is a good thing: we struggle with each other particularly because you try to avoid what I have to say. Would I or others like I not matter to you, you would not mention us in your diatribes. It is a fortune that that is not the only venue for speech. You sound as though you'd be as happy as Robert keeping people from writing because you do not agree or bless their writings and in the end the fofblog has become as capable as Robert in doing the kinds of things he does to silence those out of his club. Each one of you matters to me a great deal. You were all important one way or another. I have not forgotten and I have no ill feelings about any one of you. I realize where and how I made all the mistakes I made but I forgive myself and you all for yours.
We are in a difficult situation as long as we are unable to hold each other dear and assume our tragedy. The fofcult is as much our tragedy as the fofblog and life itself is pretty tragic. The struggle is everywhere. One day you in the fofblog will perhaps accept my apologies for having screamed at you the truth as I understood it. It was not personal, I did not knowmost of you but it became personal for all of us. You never dealt with the truth, you banned me on other accounts, you were unwilling to dialogue. It is the saddest aspect of the whole play: that people are not enough even to dialogue. But I do not regret fighting. I fought you all out of love and continue to question you with it. That does not make me special, it makes me human but that is indeed, rare enough. Of course, your post could be talking about someone else, I know a few that could fit but knowing you I bet you're just preparing the soil for further attacks. Then when you feel your followers are ready, you'll give another blow. There are some great advantages to not having followers!
,
28. Ames Gilbert - October 12, 2011I’ll add that some of these will go as far as creating websites where they pontificate almost daily about their specialness and how stupid the rest of us are, larding their arrogance heavily with appeals to carefully selected authorities. One in particular has, over many years, come to specialize in quoting from this very blog and has imaginary conversations with the participants, each one culminating in a final putdown that establishes his astounding grasp of the One True and only Possible Interpretation of the Fourth Way. Truly a master of self–awareness and insight (and unwitting source of amusement)!
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