Ton-Elena - FOFBlog- Crazy

Hello Ton,

Anyone can dear another one without there being any love in it. It is often used to patronize another person and this new tone you’re using is welcome but not trustworthy, as I said, it’s difficult to play the bully when the lady’s got company. I’ve grown up since before you were banned. In those days and all throughout those blogs I needed to be deared but not anymore. I guess I put up with you for so long because I needed company like those wives that can’t leave their husbands although they batter them every other day. There is a wonderful freedom when we take that final step and tell the man to get the hell out of our lives no matter how alone we might remain only to discover that our own company was always there.

You call it histrionics but the same principles apply to different situations, the same vibes play their turn and macho’s try to apply the same mechanisms that have succeeded for centuries and are only beginning to fail their masters.

You tell me that I don’t like men, this is one of your attacks when I photograph your sad behaviour but it’s not men what I don’t like but infra-men for Men, don’t go after a vulnerable woman to beat her up with the hatred you’ve been chasing me from the moment I put my feet in the fofblog again taking advantage of the fact that you had the whole public on your side. You challenge my histrionics only to stimulate them a little further like blowing on fire.

One of the funniest lies you’ve told here is that I didn’t hurt anyone in the fofblog! Even I know better! Had I not hurt anyone I wouldn’t have apologized!

I hurt you because I didn’t hurt you! Because I protected you and didn’t challenge you like the rest. That offended you because you thought I didn’t think you worthy of being challenged in your own insecurity but I did it because you had been kind.

I hurt Whalerider who I told to go and fuck himself because he hadn’t been fucked enough if he thought that the people like Eileen who committed suicide after begging for help in the Fellowship were not enough to storm La Bastille and pull the ground out of their feet.

I hurt Vena, Ames Gilbert, Bruce Levy, and everyone else I could scream at in my horror and I questioned our American individualism, all members and ex-members and then I laughed at everyone including the moderator in his face.

You might not know how to look at yourself Ton and see how cruel you can get but I’m getting better at it each day! The price was high and I regretted it deeply but not you or anybody else in the fofblog who are still stuck in buffering what actually happened between us ignoring the issues that we struggled about.

Again you state that you are not here to apologize or take my apologies probably because you’re not yet done. You still have a few beatings you’d like to get across and were you to take my apologies or give any they would be incoherent to justify the beating, wouldn’t they?.

You talk about apologies as if you had never tasted the grace of forgiveness or compassion and it is clear to me that you haven’t but in small gestures when I am able to take your insults without putting up a mirror to your face which is rare.

And you’re quite insistent about my expressing the things you think as if I had run over to your brain to steal them from you and have a tape about projection that only God knows what you intend to do with it pretending to dismiss everything I say because it was yours. Talk about biting your tail without ever being able to just stand there and take or give a straight blow so that you can actually exist. Is that why you took up the role of chasing me down the road with a whole blog on your side? I much prefer those who clearly stated their hatred and beat me out of the FOFBlog and never bothered to even look at me than those like you who pretend to be helping me while beating me up. THAT is what I call “SICK”.

We are not playing games here Ton. THIS IS OUR LIFE. Your incongruence is as bad as mine talking about the community and the wonders of unity while “fucking” the world out of its feet. Some people never fuck anyone else because they never hurt but others begin to understand what love is about after fucking and getting fucked enough. Are you there yet?

How about that for histrionics! The problem with arrogance is that it is an I in pain defending itself into being.

What is important about all this is that we begin to get an inkling of the fact that “knowing” what is right is not “being” right. That to be what we know we have to have the will to actualize the knowledge in our acts. You come here chasing me about my incoherence and become even more incoherent than I was chasing down a woman you know is vulnerable, alone and has just been banned from the only place she was holding on because she didn’t know were else to go after the cult. At least I was addressing people who’d been out for years and it was my screams against THEM that got me banned for very specific reasons. They were as violent as I was but the moderator was bias and the particular subject at the time was not in their taste. So what does that show us but that we don’t have the being to tell each other anything but take ourselves as we are with a great deal more humility than we’ve ever had? Is it not wonderful to get beaten down enough that one can actually sit with one’s self and be nothing more than what one is? Your beating me down Ton has not taught me anything but to close the doors to you and ban you which is a great lesson when we finally separate from those hurting us. I don’t regret screaming at people who were not willing to address the issues and screamed back with personal attacks. In the Art of Dialogue what we can learn is how people avoid the questions and destroy and ban an individual because they are unwilling to take the coherent actions if they were to listen. This is still the issue in all these blogs and life itself. They still kill people everyday for speaking the truth those in power don’t want to hear. What I regret about my arrogance and taking up of space is that it was given in pain because I was vulnerable, because when there isn’t enough of one’s self to respond to a situation, one’s ego responds in whatever way it can to hold itself and the screaming and the arrogance is only the extroverted expression of its weakness. Had I not been vulnerable I could have said the same things and walked out without screaming. So if you’re trying to convince me that I am not right about the deep issues, you’re not a step closer Ton. It is those issues what neither you nor anyone else in the FOFBLOG were willing to seriously address. Things such as:

Why can’t we take legal action when we know the Fellowship is hurting those inside and those who continue to join?

Why can’t we stand outside and make noise so that there is constant pressure against them?

Why do we pretend that we are not responsible for each other when we all built that cult up into what it is with our money and participation?

What makes us think that it is not a fascist gesture to look the other way so that one doesn’t have to get involved when one knows people are getting hurt?

The reality in cults today is the worst and most dangerous threat to human freedom. To avoid it is like avoiding the concentration camps in their times. To annihilate people psychologically is as cruel or more than annihilating them physically. To manipulate people to act against themselves because they are innocent enough to love a guru in the widespread fracturedness of the inhuman societies today is a crime. Society as it is organized leaves no place for love and humaneness and people are pouring their innocence into cults with the hope that they will be able to evolve with love. THAT is what Robert and those in the inner circle of every cult are taking advantage of to enslave people for a lifetime. Why do you and those in the FOFblog pretend to dismiss THAT trying to convince us that I am simply crazy?

You’ve been banging down the walls telling me that all I need is professional help and that you’re here to help me, THIS SICK “TO OUT Elena” of yours is SICK because you and all in the fofblog are “outing” me so that you don’t have to hear THAT; THAT TON: THAT WE HAVE TO STOP THE FELLOWSHIP CULT AND ALL THE OTHER CULTS WE CAN GET TO WITH IT. That it is OUR RESPONSIBILITY BECAUSE WE BUILT IT, FED IT, GAVE IT STRENGTH AND WALKING OUT OF IT NOW THAT IT IS SYSTEMATICALLY HURTING PEOPLE SIMPLY MAKES US AS SICK AS THEM. WE ARE ALLOWING IT KNOWING HOW AND WHY IT HURTS PEOPLE.

How much louder do you want me to scream? These vampires need to be gotten out of people’s lives.

If you’re not willing to address the issues, please leave me alone, we’ve had enough of each other and good is plenty.