I think you’ve been here my Old Friend and as soon as I saw traces of your presence my heart leaped into another sphere of tranquility that it hasn’t had ever since you left.
In relation to the FOF Blog I also feel that all those of us who have touched each other and separated must eventually come together again; the sooner the better.
I have been the cause of many our separations and beyond regret which is ALL there, is also the understanding that in the conflict there are elements that need to be overcome in both sides for there to be a reunification. The wonder of being together is the wonder of being together. Nothing can replace another’s presence and we are all needed for dinner.
I am also understanding that I could not stop writing like a madman or the madwoman that I have often been in the fofblog, because my sense of my own self was too weak to live without verifying itself. That I was too vulnerable to be on my own and rest. That I needed consistent reassurance to be. I am not trying to justify my mistakes, I clearly acknowledge that the excessive occupation of space, the aggressions and the behavior was out of place. I say this and an I still says, what was so out of place?
This I says, what was so out of place? That you were fighting against an evil that you had all met and most neglected to seriously stand up against? That there are still only 188 signatures in the petition although over 800 people have left in the past three years? Or was it that you insulted them as fascists? Sickos?
This is difficult for me. I do not regret screaming at people who I believe are behaving as fascists but I regret screaming at people. It is another form of fascism to scream at people and that I regret. I wish to say on my behalf that more than screaming at people I was screaming at the horror I know lives in the Fellowship of Friends cult and at the horror I myself lived and expanded on my own family. But I also wish to acknowledge that there was too much ego on my behalf and as I look at it without judgment I realize that there is only as much ego as lack of I. This is perhaps one of the most beautiful understandings I’ve come across in trying to grasp how it is that negative emotions arise: the understanding that all our “arguing”, “possessiveness”, and “separationism” is simply the reflection of our own self’s suffering concentrated in the ego. That the ego is just that: lack of love that expresses itself in lack of being which expresses itself in all forms of separation from others.
Thinking about this the idea that this or that is “mine” becomes very clear. What can be mine when as soon as time’s up it’ll remain here? And what more could one wish than to leave more than one found?
This idea that there is only as much ego as lack of I or real I must be clarified because the tendency in cults in all spheres of life or those wishing to establish separating hierarchies between people in the family, society or nations, is that they’ll justify abusing those with “less I” because they “deserve it” and this is far from right. This is the worst illness in the sphere of being and it amounts for most of the injustice in the world today. The idea that there is only as much ego as lack of I as I’m presenting it here is far from understanding the ego as it has usually been conceived as relating to egotism. It is true that the ego is egotistic but it is egotistic because it needs to defend its feeling of isolation and separation from the rest of the world. It is the ego what we come out with after leaving our homes. It is the ego what our parents plant in our lives. It is probably determined by karmic laws and the opportunity we have then is to rebuild our selves from that ego. To transform our personal suffering and the suffering of our parents as much as those who surrounded us in such a way that we can reunite ourselves through the understanding of their condition, that is, through compassion.
In this sense what I most regret about my first final participation in the fofblog is my lack of compassion. When I screamed at them in my last posts I was as separate as they were to me. And yet I ask. Was this not necessary for us all? In the suffering that we’ve all endured through our having to stand up for what we think is right, aren’t such separations necessary so that we each readjust our self to our selves? Is conflict not necessary for us to evolve? Is it not painful when we tell each other the truth about our selves? Can it be any other way? But must we hate each other for hurting each other with truths that we all need to hear?
Let me be clear that I am talking about my first participation and not when I rejoined recently. I am in nothing regretful of my recent participation. I entered with love and was banned without it. I do not regret my love.
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