3rd Sept. Post back to fofblog unedited

3^rd of September, 09

Reading all your posts deciding whether I can stay or not I hear you. I’ve read up to post 38 of page 81. You have loved me at times and I have turned against you often always demanding that you see more and further, disenabling you and empowering you at the same time: More people see the Fellowship today for what it is than if we hadn’t worked on it.

I do not ask you to forgive me, I forgive you for not liking me, I also dislike myself often. I’ve been a pain in the ass, I need help, therapy, rest, all that is true but I will never forget that you are replacing the real issues for my personal limitations. In this occasion the question of “is the Fellowship of Friends inhuman enough to act seriously towards closing it” is the issue and instead you have made me the issue to avoid that one.

Everything you’ve said is true, I acknowledge it and will always remember it . The problem is that everything I’ve said is also true and you are not willing to acknowledge it. Ours is an unhealthy relationship from so very many angles but it is the relationship we’ve been able to have according to who we are, why and where. In the midst of that turmoil we’ve come to understand things that we might have never understood had things been different.

We are not separating today because of who I am but because I am standing for the need to act against the Fellowship in ever so many other ways than the internet. Those who are willing to consider that do not feel me as strong a threat as those who are strongly resisting that idea. It has always been like that with us here. It is not us who are against each other; it is our lives that are confronting each other. We carry the names but we represent millions of people, both ways.

I have been organizing previous blog pages and rereading posts and it is with enormous shame that I realize we have had better times and I have become impossible. It is as impossible for you to have me here as it is for me to be here with you. Your page 80 is very good, calm and quiet and many more of you talk than when I am here and this is wonderful and necessary, you must take your time to digest what we are grinding on. Nevertheless, there is a fundamental difference between us and it is that you have accepted to continue talking about the Fellowship without taking legal, public and serious social action against it, unwilling to explore other avenues towards its closure. You have taken on Old fof's attitude and declared your selves willing to leave those people inside to their good luck. To me you have given up and I have only been getting ready!

I warn all those who come here that there are still outside of the Fellowship too many ex-members acting as enablers for the Cult and the FOFblog has become that. Like the enablers inside, they want to conceal their own participation in it and know that further investigations will reveal their actions. They are hiding from society but most of all they are hiding from themselves, unable to assume responsibility for their mistakes. The mistakes we have all made in the Fellowship are human mistakes, it is necessary to embrace them consciously so that they are not repeated. We have not yet caused intentional deaths to anyone inside but our lack of action against the Fellowship before it gets worse, might cause 1.massive suicide that we could have avoided had we acted when we had the opportunity, 2. continue to manipulate young men for Robert Burton’s pathology and 3. submit hundreds of people to Girard Haven’s brainwashing techniques in search of economic support for their lifestyle. In short, it will continue to act criminally against innocent human beings.

I am what I am today and every single defect that you have pointed out about me is accurate but above all my limitations I am deeply concerned, seriously concerned and committed to first, the members who are still inside and in great danger including my husband and second, the potential new members. I do not aim to save them but at least to stop them.

To become a happier, better person in the future is a great aim to have but if I have to choose between that and being the most miserable human being who, nevertheless, helped stop the Fellowship from hurting people further, I will choose the latter. I could not live with my self if I did not do everything to stop the Fellowship from hurting anyone else. I don’t believe I need to stop fighting the Fellowship to become a happier, better person or that I need to be a happier, better person to stop fighting the Fellowship. It is the wounds that I still have from the experience what reminds me every day that more people must not be hurt or any of them be hurt any longer.

I thank you all for your posts for and against me. I will not compromise my freedom in any way so I will not accept further banning or numbered posts. If you are generous when the final decision comes, I will commit to work on my impossible lack of discipline and consideration for your time and patience and try to bear your impossible lack of ethic and inconsiderateness, commit to think for at least an hour before posting an answer and such things that might educate my will and invite you lovingly into understanding our selves, but if you decide to mussel me to see if you can ride on me, I will not accept the reigns. It is a beautiful thing to be wild when there isn’t a man worth riding one’s being, a human being worth riding one’s humanity. It is worth dying when living becomes impossible. Submitting to injustice is rendition and you will never have that from me. I am not the first or the last human on earth but the witness and reaffirmation of every man and woman who stood up for freedom before and after me. I am, like all of them, forever at your service, willingly, not submissively. My heart knows not how else to be.

I especially thank Arthur and Dragon not only for standing up for me but for knowing what is happening here. With one that knows, it is enough. With two, it is plenty. As long as there is one with integrity in the Public Square, there is life. With two, there is hope; with more, there is culture. “Long live the Human Being!" To you I offer my work.