116. morgan le faye – Page 82
BTW: In my last post (111) I am not referring to Elena. Initially Elena was a active well informed well intentioned and positive contributor. Her modus operandi was not to exploit the blog energy – while others trawled for a fight, only contributed oppositional posts, mugged and bashed other bloggers while contributing nothing creative of their own. These are the types I object to. IMO Elena exposed herself too much emotionally on the blog and attracted some early reactions that set off a series of compounding, increasingly negative actions and reactions. I felt Elena got backed into a corner like a cat with her hackles up. I think that she felt unfairly ‘victimized’ and then repeatedly sought to defend, explain and justify herself. But the effort involved her and others in long 7 intense exchanges that became unresolvable, evoking harder and more brutal responses on both sides. A kind of viciousness can sprout on the blog. I feel Elena ended up feeling and fighting like a threatened wild animal. When you are in that state, you can lose discrimination and good judgment… My two cents worth
Elena:
Morgan le faye, thank you very much, I’m very glad to know that someone perceived a lot of what happened pretty accurately. Everyone contributed one way or another, with their silence or their attacks. Reading Crouching Tiger here:
“For myself, I’m happy to scroll through a few pages of stuff I can’t follow (or can’t be bothered to follow) in return for that one post when she hits a nail absolutely on its head. When she does hit that nail, she is capable of articulating something no-one else here can…”
Thank you Crouching Tiger. What is interesting is that if anyone had acknowledged that when it happened I would have been able to feel the dialogue but I couldn’t deal with the silence and indifference after two and a half years! Wasn't that long enough? I was emotionally vulnerable enough to get hurt but I put up with it for over two years so don’t think I’m banging myself for finally loosing it! I got some acknowledgement when it was all “pretty” but as soon as the questioning began, that is the deep questioning of our selves and not only the Fellowship, the “crowd” didn’t like it, including probably you and CT... at least you didn't say anything then! But that's O.K! it's never late! The blog was reduced to Nigel’s admiration and the silence of the many. That was kind Nigel, strange that only you and counted others perceived those things for such a long time! Then Ames, Old FOF and Vena waited until I got upset enough to come out with their handcuffs, feeling totally justified.
It’s all such a theatre! To be frank, attacks like the one Old FOF just gave insisting on my being simply damaged with a one way ticket to hell hardly even hurt anymore or produce an angry reaction of wanting to do the same back to him. It feels more like he’s sticking his tongue out to me like a little boy, using the same things I questioned him about.
That or the FOF blogmoderator’s ban on even talking about me because if you do he’ll be exposed for having allowed all the abuse to happen because he was bias, hardly bother me anymore. Just the fact that he let it go on for so long made me think for a long time that he was at least impartial but then I realized he was waiting for someone to "do me in" like my fair lady would say and when Old FOF came along he didn't even allow me to defend myself. Don’t you find it amazing that this is the first time since he took the moderation that he actually says what people can or cannot do? Did he ever stop anyone from attacking me although sometimes it was five and six of them at the same time? Still, he did his best by at least staying out of the ring for a long time and to be honest, his best was good enough for me; I fought till the last one and won in my own strange way! Getting burnt isn’t loosing! Our personal destinies matter only to ourselves but the ideals that use our lives to travel from generation to generation matter more than our lives and something about our spirit prevails with them.
Again this does not mean that I’m not acknowledging that I was defending my self like a wild cat, ranting and raving and as sick of the blog as the blog of me. Or that I did not become abusive with a few but to my great joy, I’m a spontaneous reactor without premeditation and that is a whole hell different to those who calculate their attacks. There is something quite healthy about that. Bruce is very different to Ames and Old FOF. He doesn’t like what I’m doing or saying and doesn’t have any problems saying so. That’s good. He avoids dialoguing about the things he doesn’t like with “that’s bullshit” and discards who ever he likes with such language but while he’s been doing that on the blog for two years without anyone questioning him, as soon as I began doing the same thing to what I thought were FOF people, Old FOF, Ames and Vena jumped out with all their followers in chorus and the moderator with his power. The real motives for our discord are much deeper than anyone has been willing to talk about, most had to shut me up before allowing a dialogue on the subject but they are the things that matter and they’ve found their roots, they are alive and well, I’m no longer needed and that is fine with me.
Frankly, I’ve nothing personal against Vena, Ames or Old FOF or rather, the fact that they are the one’s voicing what a lot of people wanted to have happen does not make me feel personal antagonism for these three people. The struggle is not personal but constitutional! Our lives and positions are questioning each other and that is wonderful! We’re alive! It’s sad that you’ve simply allowed yourselves to fall in attacking the person without having ever dealt with the issues I presented but I trust those issues have been grasped enough by a few and will search their way through.
I am not proud of my excesses and they were many but I’m the happiest Elena for having given the beauty inside. The beauty and the beast. I’m willing to live with both for now. It was a lot more difficult to give the beauty than the ranting and it would have been wonderful if I’d been able to say all those things without identifying with the attacks but very often it was the attacks what made it possible to express the beauty. I am in fact, very grateful with all of you for having made it possible.
As you can see by the posts on this present blog, my interests go beyond our personal inconsistencies and it has been a pleasure to find the ICSA Association with so much material on cults that allow me to expand on the subjects where I think I can. If anyone comes to dialogue I will be very pleased too.
It isn’t difficult to fill up a blog with published material so the problem is not the quantity. I put up things that I find interesting from other writers, aspects we haven’t covered enough in the other blog too busy with each other’s personalities and expand where I think it’s worth it. If they are useful to cult research in the future, let them know that I offered my experience with great pleasure.