We need to take a good look at what’s happening so that we learn from it.
I have spoken with a great deal of vanity and sometimes I've even spoken with disdain. I have been terrible but no matter how terrible I have been, at my worst, I’m something in between an English matron and a hysterical Latin! I have hurt many here and I'm paying for it but I have also loved with equal conviction and to know that that love reached a few, means everything. What became so frustrating, was that the actual issues that I’m fighting for never seemed to reach you and I did give up on us in my last posts. Many people here WANT to give up on me, THAT is our main difference. I would embrace them just as easily today and never ban them like I asked even of Itstwinetime who was perfectly vicious with me but they have found the moment to ban me and are going to take all the advantage they can to do so. Who ever protested when Itstwinetime was so vicious? The moderator only banned him when I'd already won! Here we can see the double standard again. Those who wish to ban me have their reasons that have nothing to do with what they are actually expressing but some of what they are expressing is actually true which is why their position is so strong.
Those who are only willing to acknowledge the dark sides of my character are very sick and it is very important to understand why. We have all been sick. We've all enjoyed going at each other and hurting each other in our sadomasochistic relationship but no one is enjoying hurting another more than those that are eagerly fighting to get me banned and what makes them sick is not banning me as much as the joy they get from it. This is very important because if I were more vulnerable and actually tried to commit suicide (as I would have done in the past and have seen people do in similar situations when they lose all contact with others) instead of acknowledging that they hurt someone and stirred things towards their destruction, the event would make them feel absolutely justified. They would have the attitude that the person was definitely deranged (and deserved her tough luck!) THESE things are what make the abuses in institutions possible and what makes people so sick: that they are willing and able to hurt others to their destruction. That is what makes the difference between a criminal act, a fascist and a normal human being. As we know from the German, Italian, Spanish and Japanese experience and the fascists in every one of our nations, we all have the potential to act criminally but a healthy human being would rather die than seriously hurt another. He would try to escape if possible and die in the intent if necessary, but not submit to a status quo that would make him hurt anyone. Many people here know that I have been extremely sensitive to getting banned but are nevertheless very happy to accomplish that. Their satisfaction in accomplishing that is what is so delicately criminal. To accept the premise that I have been fighting for that we are all responsible for each other and MUST not ban each other, would make the structure of most people’s separations fall apart. Our inflated egos live on the separations they hold with others. The idea of being one and responding for each other belongs to conscious objectivity and kills the subjective ego. That is why our struggle is so significant.
One of the aspects we need to observe in the Fellowship experience is the immense capacity to submit to Robert and the status quo that most people had and proportionate to that submission, the willingness to buffer then and still today, the actual crimes that are going on. It is not surprising that strong inner circle people are the most adamant supporters of getting me banned. Acknowledging what they were capable of is much more difficult to them than to others. Their journey is much longer and difficult, their suffering greater, they require much more will to deal with their own inconsistencies.
They are each very different. In Bruce what is interesting is that he clearly and willingly objects to what he calls my "bullshit". He won't go into discussing what the bullshit is but THAT "bullshit" is actually the only thing that matters here! THAT bullshit is precisely my position that we are one people and must respond for each other. We can see how he cannot do that when he addresses issues like that of Mihai or Dorian and reduces the problem to “opportunist Rumanians”. Vena’s position is different. With her there’s a “I don’t like you attitude”. I was rough with her when I told her she wasn’t paying me to entertain her, to get on her own two feet and do something of what she preached. Both Ames and she took the challenge and are doing what they preach as well as they can! They have a very strong and valid point in stating that my extremism would rather hurt the cause than help it. They are right in that point but wrong in not realizing or acknowledging that I’m as strongly a hateful extremist as a loving devotee!! And they are as willing to get rid of both. Their unwillingness to recognize the loving devotee is what shows their own lack of objectivity but in this two cases I feel the differences come more from the competition of the egos than from dangerous fascist tendencies. The seriously fascist position here is that of Old FOF. There is something very similar between he and Robert. We and people in the future must be very careful with such characters. His character sounds and seems kind, diplomatic, educated, civilized but his position is nothing but fascist. For him the equation is absolutely simple: Elena is damaged, for ever will be and that’s just too bad, ban her, it’s her tough luck, she deserves it. With that attitude he is unwilling to consider anything else about Elena and it is in that unwillingness to consider anything else where we can observe his own criminal subjectivity. Ames and Vena often acknowledge that they don’t wish to hurt Elena but Old FOF can’t even conceive of Elena as anything but a damaged “machine” that needs to be gotten out of the way. If we look at the position of someone who doesn’t even have great sympathy for me like Tatyana’s, which was: I give a dam whether she screams as long as she tells the truth and the truth has been very telling, then we can see how easy it was for some to read in between the lines and hold to what mattered while to Ames, Bruce, Vena and Old FOF, it became the banner to get rid of me. These differences are very revealing. They are what we need to be careful with. Ames actually tries to acknowledge some of my points but thoroughly avoids and dismisses the important ones which is also very revealing about him but Vena won't even read what I say so that she can totally dis-acknowledge it! I thank you all for participating in this play. It's a good thing it's only a blog!
Bruce is an interesting guy. What surprises me about him is that he is willing to let them use him for their cause and to use them for his. He has the potential to be as coldly cruel as Old FOF even though he doesn’t disguise behind the sheep clothing, like Old FOF, which makes him a hundred times more honest and again that is very different and valuable.
That “sheep clothing” is what makes Old FOF and Robert so much alike. Girard also has it and now that we look at it, it is the main trait of strong Fellowship characters. They learnt the act of the “sheep clothing”, the gold alchemy diplomacy, the sophisticated wording, the absolute control of emotion… to deceive and rape, expulse, use and abuse. It’s the most chilling aspect of the Fellowship of Friends Cult. In the Fascist regimes they represented the SS guards, the people willing to do the dirty work at no matter who’s cost. Vena, Ames and even Bruce are very different to Old FOF, they all lack that, thank God! Of the three, Ames is the most talented at it but in him, I feel it comes from vanity, not criminality and THAT is a world apart.
It should not surprise us then that Old FOF is protecting his friends in the Fellowship cult. Our positions in that respect couldn’t be more different. He sincerely believes it is fine for the Fellowship to go on functioning so that his friends can have a job and are not out struggling. THAT is what makes his position so dangerous because he doesn’t give a dam who gets hurt as long as his friends are fine. This subjectivity in us is what we need to study deeply. This lack of objective standards is what allow each one of us to justify hurting some for the benefit of others. There is nothing more dangerous than this so called “love”. We apply it as abundantly towards our lovers against our selves and people around us for whom we don’t have nearly as much consideration as we have for our blindly loved one; towards the gurus of all trades falling into idolatry and in any form of “love” that allows us to “discriminate” some and “benefit” others.
The hierarchic status of authority figures be they lovers, bosses, gurus or teachers rests in this so called “love” but it is essentially unconscious subjectivity determined by degrees of instinctive dependence.
