Elena: Ego and I

And you Ton? How much harm are you willing to do to vulnerable people?

How does it feel now that I am not so vulnerable? Is that why you’re no longer coming with your little insults? Why you don’t answer the questions but think I should answer yours? Do you have the slightest notion how you continue to be manipulative with your answers and how sick this conversation is in how much of it you are avoiding while continuing to stick to Elena’s persona incapable of looking beyond?

Your tactics to prove yourself different than you are, are simply revealing you more deeply. The cards have turned and I could go on and on like you try to do, attacking me personally, because you’re in a very vulnerable position but I’m not interested in that, I’ve exposed the problem enough, you and the fofblog. You have no idea how angry I am and how tempting and justified I could feel to hurt you now that you are so vulnerable and how sad this has been to me but hurting you in your vulnerability is no longer what I want from my self, that kind of behavior is exactly what I am fighting against. Our aggression towards others comes from our hurt egos. It is not real. It belongs to the world of illusions. World 96 and beyond. It is the characteristic of egotism: putting others down to keep itself up. Everyone who we put down from that egoness is a victim. Unjustly banning people, ignoring, making fun of, insulting and all forms of mild or strong aggressions make people victims of our abuses.

It is not only you who do these things. Everyone in this world who has not moved beyond his ego into the dignity of his I, does this. Doing that: hurting others mildly or strongly to keep its own image up is the raison d’etre of the ego. I have personally done that most of my life and strongly tend to do it when I feel justified in my defense but when I am truly with my self I cannot raise a hair against someone else. That is where I wish to be.

What I’m beginning to see clearly and it has been one of the greatest discoveries for me in this area, is that I only hurt others from a position of pain and fear in the sphere of the ego. It is because my own ego is feeling vulnerable that it puts others down. When I can trust my self and not hurt back, I can “swallow” the pain, the offense, the attack. It is so difficult because it is so tempting to hurt back especially when one knows one is right and in looking at our recent conversation in the fofblog, I do know that I was not abusive to you, not even once. I was like an innocent little girl wishing to be accepted. How long you want to deny that is up to you. I will not expose you further and “get a kick” out of calling you sick, abuser, and all the things that fit such behavior.
I have already said them, you can hear them when ever you can hear them.

Being in this position of not wanting to hurt people does not mean that I will not expose the Fellowship cult or people who hurt others. It simply means I will try not to hurt them personally when I expose their actions and hope to find enough strength to forgive myself every time I’m not able to.

Have a good week.
Elena